


Guardian Angel

by timeladyofletters



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, F/M, Gen, Reader-Insert, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Triggers, winchester reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-02-27 19:03:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2703098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timeladyofletters/pseuds/timeladyofletters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This one shot contains triggering scenes such as self-harm and suicide. Read with caution. Also, please know that I am in no way trying to romanticize depression, self harm, and suicide; so if this story gave off that impression, that wasn’t my intention at all.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one shot contains triggering scenes such as self-harm and suicide. Read with caution. Also, please know that I am in no way trying to romanticize depression, self harm, and suicide; so if this story gave off that impression, that wasn’t my intention at all.

_Done._ That was the word that was running on a loop through your mind. You were done with it all. Done with monsters, done with hunting, done with being weak, done with being a screw up. You were done with saving people who never bothered to say a simple “thank you”. You were done with the pretty girls who were always knocking you out of the way in order to get to your boys and your angel. You were done with the voices in your head that kept reminding you of how pathetic and useless you were. You were done with being hollow and empty. You were done with everything.

These feelings weren’t new to you, they had been plaguing you for years. Being with Cas and your brothers Sam and Dean had been a good distraction for a while, you had even begun to heal a little bit. The boys had no idea how positively they had impacted your life, but you knew. And you were so thankful. It wasn’t until about a month ago that you started to get bad again. You got pretty banged up during an encounter with a Changeling, so Sam and Dean insisted on keeping you benched for a while until you got better. They had been away from the bunker a lot during those four weeks, but they called whenever they could to check up on you. To make up for their absence, Cas had taken on the role of your caretaker. Usually, you hated being taken care of, but you weren’t complaining. You treasured every second you got to spend with the angel who you had come to love so much. Not that he knew that. For an ageless angel of the lord, he was quite clueless. 

Unfortunately, because of the tension in heaven, Cas couldn’t be around as much as he wanted to. This led to you being all by yourself for a few days at a time. It wasn’t long before the silence became deafening. You did whatever you could to keep busy, but before you knew it, your mind would begin its attack on you.

> _You’re a pathetic excuse for a hunter. No, for a human. You can’t do anything right._
> 
> _Everyone left you. And why wouldn’t they? You just slow them down._
> 
> _You’re not worthy of anyone, let alone Cas._
> 
> _You’re not pretty enough. Or strong enough, or smart enough._
> 
> _Your mother was right. You are a stupid waste of air._

And so your self-hating thoughts continued. The voices, which had begun to sound a lot like your mother and every other person who had hurt you in your life, were relentless. You couldn’t sleep or eat or do anything without quickly becoming disgusted with yourself. You knew that you had to do something, anything, to make it stop. So, you made a decision; one that you had been contemplating for a long time.

**********************

You weren’t going to do it in the bunker. That was your home. It was Sam and Dean and Cas’ home. You couldn’t taint it. Instead, you wanted it to happen in your favorite place: an open field down the road where the stars shone brightly. Once you figured out the where, you immediately decided that tonight would be the when. Then you wrote two letters. The first one was for both of your brothers, in which you explained how grateful you were to them for everything they had done for you. You also told them how wonderful they were and explained that none of this was their fault, though a part of you knew that they would still blame themselves. The second letter was for Cas. You poured your heart and soul into that letter. You told him how much you admired him and how thankful you were to him and how much you loved him. Once you had written your goodbyes, you grabbed your sharpest knife, got in your car, and drove.

After you arrived at your destination a few minutes later, you got out of the car and sat on the hood. For some odd reason, you didn’t want to stain the upholstery of your car. It was foolish, seeing as you wouldn’t be driving it anymore, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to bleed all over the interior. So, you laid back against the cool glass of the windshield and stared up at the stars. Soon, it would all be over. The pain, the voices, the gaping hole in your chest; they would all cease to exist. And so would you. You pulled your knife out of your boot, the same knife that your hunter father had passed on to you before he died, and pressed the blade against the tender flesh of your inner arm. Then you applied pressure, and dragged.

It hurt. A lot. But it was a pain that you were used to, and a pain that you welcomed. Your breathing became increasingly shallow and quick with every cut and you felt yourself becoming dizzy due to the blood loss. When you were satisfied with that arm, you did the same to the other; slicing through the skin to allow the crimson blood to pour out of your veins. Then you sat there; on your car, under the sparkling sky, waiting for the darkness to swallow you whole. Your thoughts began to blur together and your eyes grew damp as you thought of everything you were leaving behind. Then, without even realizing it, you muttered one word out loud. No, not a word. A name.

“ _Castiel_.”

Your breaths became less frequent and your heartbeat slowed. This was it, you knew it.

“Y/N?” a deep voice bellowed through the night. “Y/N!!!” Someone was calling your name over and over again.

It was heartbreaking to hear. They sounded so devastated and broken.  _No one should be that sad_ , you thought to yourself. Suddenly, you were being touched and held by strong arms. You felt a gentle pressure on your forehead and in a matter of seconds, the pain was gone. The arms continued to hold you as you felt yourself slip away. But this lapse into unconsciousness was different. Instead of a cold darkness that threatened to devour you, it was a warm peaceful sleep that was pulling you under. The last thing you saw before you let yourself go was a brilliant blue, piercing right through to your soul.

**********************

You woke up with a pounding headache.  _Well I’m definitely still alive,_ you thought to yourself as you took in your surroundings. You were in your bed, back at the bunker, and you weren’t alone. Cas was sitting on a chair beside you, watching you closely with those intense eyes of his.  _Oh,_ you realized.  _His eyes, that’s what I saw before I blacked out._ You knew what that meant: Cas had somehow found you in the field, healed you, and then brought you home. You and the angel continued to stare at each other, waiting for someone to break the tense silence. You let out a sigh before making the first move.

“I know what you’re gonna say, Cas.” You mumbled, staring down at your intact wrists.

“Do you, Y/N?” Cas asked. His face and voice were stoic, but his eyes were a revealed that there was more bubbling under the surface.

“You’re mad at me. And disappointed. You think I’m selfish for doing what I did. And yeah, you’re right. I’m selfish. I’m a stupid selfish girl who can’t do anything right. Hell, I can’t even die successfully.” Tears had started to fall from your eyes, and you were too emotionally drained to try to stop them.

“Yes, I am mad. And I am very disappointed,” Can began. “However, none of those feelings are towards you, Y/N. That is how I feel about myself right now.”

Your head snapped up as you faced him and waited for him to continue.

“You were suffering. I should have noticed. I should have stopped it before it happened. I failed you, Y/N. You should never have had to think such awful things about yourself, because they are not true. You are the most wonderful person I have even known in my entire existence. You are smart and brave and kind and very beautiful. And if I have to remind you about how great you are every minute of every day for the rest of our lives, I’ll do it without hesitation.”

You were stunned. No one had ever said such nice things to you. But here he was, a warrior for an absent God, holding your hand and treating you like you were the most precious thing he had ever seen.

But he wasn’t done talking. “Y/N, please don’t think that killing yourself is the answer. Problems are temporary. Death is permanent. I know we’ve all died multiple times, but we defy nature every time we do it. Death won’t fix anything. If you died, then you wouldn’t be here anymore. We would miss you so much. But don’t just live for us. Live for yourself.”

_Death won’t fix anything._  The words struck a chord, making you realize how far you had gone. You didn’t want to die, not at this very second anyway. If you had died last night, this moment with Cas wouldn’t be happening.

“Please talk to us,” Cas pleaded. “Whenever you feel sad, talk to us. Or yell at us. Or anything. Just know that you are not alone. Sam, Dean and I care about you tremendously and we never want to lose you. We will help you in every way that we can, and we will never stop trying to help you. We love you, Y/N. I love you.”

Cas took a pause to move his hands to the sides of your face. He brushed the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs and smiled softly at you. Then you did something that you thought was impossible to do a few hours ago. You smiled back. You smiled so brightly that you felt as if your face would break, and you didn’t care. You were loved. You were treasured. You had people in your life who you never wanted to be away from. Last night had been a mistake, you knew it now.

"Thank you, Cas," you sobbed. "I didn’t know what to do. I felt so lost. I still feel so lost. But I’m not going to give up, not again."

Without saying another word, Castiel wrapped his arms around you and lightly kissed your temple as you relaxed into him. Though you were physically healed, you knew that you still had many emotional wounds to tend to. The road to recovery would be a long one, and you knew that there were some very dark days ahead, but you weren’t alone. You had your guardian angel at your side. 


	2. Chapter 2

 

Your brothers had no idea that you tried to kill yourself, and you prayed to every deity out there that they would never find out.

It was six weeks and two days since that night, and you wanted more than anything to forget about it. The problem was, it was all you could ever think about anymore. Ever since then, you had gone to great lengths to seem normal in front of Sam and Dean, keeping up a happy charade so your older brothers wouldn’t worry about you more than they usually did. Good thing you were a half decent actress.

At least you weren’t alone in your struggles. Cas had been by your side since he healed your self-inflicted wounds and saved your life. Of course, he wanted you to go to your brothers and confide in them, but you continuously refused. Because of your stubbornness, the angel kept an ever watchful eye on you, and quickly became very attuned to your emotions and needs.

Cas knew when you were angry and sad before you even did. He knew when you were relapsing, when you needed space, and when you needed someone to talk to. Most importantly, he knew when you needed him to hold you through the nightmares.

If only Sam and Dean knew that their best friend was in their baby sister’s bed every night.

Nothing more than platonic ever happened between the two of you, but your heart longed for something more than just finding comfort in his arms, though you were immensely grateful.

*********************************

One night, after a long day of research, your brothers decided to head to the local bar.

"Cold beer and hot chicks, just what I need," Dean exclaimed as he stretched and stifled a yawn. You and Sam both rolled your eyes at him. Dean turned to the two of you, waiting for a response.

Sam sighed after a few seconds and said, “Fine, I’ll go. Someone’s gonna need to be there to haul your drunk ass back home.”

Dean grinned and clapped him on the back “Attaboy, Sammy! How about you, Y/N? You in?”

"Ummm…" you hesitated. "No, its alright. I’m too tired."

"You sure?" Sam asked, his brow furrowed.

"Yeah, I’m sure. You two have fun!" you told them, your voice laced with fake enthusiasm.

The sadness began to creep into your soul an hour after Sam and Dean headed out. Not that the sadness had ever left, but you had become quite skilled at keeping it buried and dormant when the boys were around. Now that you were alone, you were left with no one but the voices in your mind and a sinking feeling in your gut. It was a painful, empty sadness; the same one that had plagued you for years. The same one that had drove you to end your life just a few weeks ago

You knew the sadness well, as if it were an old, unwanted acquaintance. And it knew you. It knew your dreams, your hopes, your fears, your failures. It knew you couldn’t escape it. Of all the monsters you had faced in your life, none were a match for the monsters in your own head.

Luckily, like with every creature, there was always a way to defeat it. Demons get burned by holy water, shifters can’t stand silver, and the monsters in your head were always silenced by the slices you made on your skin.

Without giving the sadness a change to plague your thoughts, you rushed to your bathroom, pried off the loose tile from the floor that only you knew about, and retrieved your hidden razor blade. Then you stripped off your sweatpants, and gazed down at the angry red lines on your thighs.

*********************************

You had gone back to cutting about two weeks ago, when Sam was almost killed by a werewolf while he was looking out for you on a hunt. He was fine, of course, but you couldn’t help but blame yourself for the close call.

Somehow, you were able to fall back into the self-harm rhythm very easily.  _Sneak away, cut, slice, clean, smile, repeat._ It was something you didn’t need to think about, you could only feel.

After slicing ten lines into your skin, you were about to move onto the other thigh when you heard a happy voice call out to you from somewhere close by.

You fought to pull your pants back on in time, but you weren’t fast enough. Before you knew it, Cas had appeared in the open bathroom doorway. His smile faded fast, almost as soon as he laid his eyes on you. That smile was instantly replaced by so many other emotions - worry, anger, sadness and pain; all mixing together and showing on his face.

"Y/N, what —"

“It’s nothing,” you cut him off.

“That isn’t ‘nothing’, Y/N.”

Without even asking, he touched two fingers to your forehead. A pleasant heat flowed through you and when you looked down at yourself, your thighs were completely healed. Too bad no angel magic could heal your internal wounds.

"You told me you were better," Cas said as soon as your pants were back on. "You said you were getting better and you didn’t want to hurt yourself anymore."

"Yeah well, you never really believed that, did you? Why else would you be checking up on me every damn night?"

Cas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “How long?”

"A few weeks," you admitted quietly.

He then opened his eyes, but purposely kept his gaze away from you.

"You should have told me, Y/N." Cas said, taking a tentative step towards you.

You moved further away from him.

"Why do you even care, huh?" you demanded as tears, unnoticed by you, streamed down your face. "Why can’t you just leave me be? Is it because of my brothers? Or because you have this annoying need to save everyone? Or is it because there’s some big cosmic rule against Winchesters dying?"

"Must there be a reason for me caring about you?" Cas pleaded, as if he had a secret he didn’t want to share with you.

You stayed silent. You knew you were being unfair to him, that in a way, your pain was hurting him. But for a split second, you wanted the entire world to burn with you.

Cas looked down to the floor and shook his head, almost like he were having a mental argument with himself. Then he looked back at you and smiled It wasn’t a happy smile, it didn’t brighten up his face or reach his eyes. It was a sad, tired smile.

"It’s because you’re a good person, Y/N. You don’t deserve to hurt like this. And because I love you."

*********************************

You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. What did he mean by that? _Does he love me as a friend? Or as a sister? Or more?_

“W-what?” you stuttered in disbelief.

“I love you, Y/N,” Cas shrugged, as if it were the most obvious fact in the world. “I’m not saying that because of what happened or because it seems like the appropriate thing to say. I’m saying it because it’s all I feel all the time, and I should have told you so long ago.”

After a moment of silence, you tightly wrapped your arms around yourself and shook your head back and forth, mumbling the word “No” over and over again.

Cas moved closer to you, worry etched into every line of his face. He reached forward to place a hand on your shoulder, but you jerked away before he could make contact.

"No! You can’t love me, you can’t!" you choked out.

"Y/N, I —"

"I don’t deserve you, Cas! I’m not strong enough, I’m not good enough. All I am is broken," you sobbed.

"You don’t get to decide who I love, Y/N," Cas said. Despite the physical distance between the two of you, you could have sworn that you could feel the rumble of his words in your own chest, as if he were pressed against you.

You were tired, oh so tired. So you sank down to the ground as quiet sobs continued to wrack through your body. Cas was on the floor beside you in an instant, pulling you into his arms. You didn’t return the gesture, but you didn’t reject it either. His warmth was so soothing.

"You’re not broken, Y/N," he murmured into your hair. "You’re so much stronger than you think. I know you’re sad now, but one day everything will be better. I’ll be with you every step of the way, if you want me to be."

He rocked you back and forth, slowly, and fell silent again. You knew that he had just opened the floor to you, giving you a chance to tell him what you wanted. What you _needed_.

You loosened you hold around yourself and slid your arms around his neck, clutching him to you like a lifeline. Then you raised your face to his and touched his lips with your own. It was something you didn’t need to think about, you could only feel. He let out a tiny sigh before opening his mouth to you, kissing you back sweetly. 

"I love you, Castiel," you whispered against his lips.

*********************************

You and Cas continued to kiss, allowing your hands and tongues to explore each other like never before. Nothing got too heated, as this wasn’t about sex. It wasn’t about passion. It was about comfort, intimacy and trust. You trusted Cas with your body and your soul, with your happiness and your pain, with your secrets and your heart.

Just as he trusted you.

You fingers tangled into his dark hair while his strong hands slid around your waist. Suddenly, Cas pulled away to stare down at you.

"You do realize that we’re going to have to tell Sam and Dean everything, right?" he asked, expression serious but blue eyes sparkling.

Without meaning to, you burst into a fit of laughter. Cas watched you curiously, not understanding what was so funny.

"You do realize that you totally just ruined the moment by talking about my brothers, right?" you told him.

Cas’ mouth curved up into a smile and he chuckled. Then he pressed his lips to your temple before speaking again.

"We will have a lifetime of moments, I promise. However, for now we need to take care of you in every way we can. Starting with telling your brothers about your depression. And about us."

He was right, you knew he was. You couldn’t get better on your own, you needed all three of your boys with you. You needed your family.

"Fine," you begrudgingly agreed. "But can we tell them tomorrow? I’m not ready right now."

Cas leaned into you and held his forehead to your own while running his thumb along your jaw. “Tomorrow,” he confirmed.

After a while Cas stood, with you in his arms, and carried you off to your room. He sat down on the bed and settled you onto his lap. Then he kissed you once again before you nestled you head into the curve of his neck. 

You rested in his arms, and discovered that matching your breathing to his own was quite calming. Cas continued to whisper words of affection into your ear throughout the night, accompanied by small touches of his hands and lips. You smiled to yourself, and silently thanked the heavens for your angel.


End file.
